some thoughts

I'm having a particularly stressful time of late.
It's not stress brought on from negative experience - in fact quite the opposite, it just seems that I have to fight against the tide to get where I want to be all the time.
And I'm becoming exhausted.

I have just further complicated my life somewhat by becoming involved with someone here at home, when I'm moving to University (fingers crossed) in 3 weeks.
Its nothing serious, but it has confused my feelings even moreso, and I'm investing energy into my emotions too much, just at the point where I need to focus and concentrate.

I really like the guy, and we do have physical and intellectual chemistry there.
But the truth of the matter is in my heart I am still in love with someone else.
I spend my time thinking of them both, and feeling guilty.
Then wondering if I'm making the right choices at all.

If I were to do 'the right thing', morally, I wouldn't be going to study in the hometown of the person I am in love with. I know this, but there's a whole big tangle of emotions there anyway - not all related to romantic pursuits.
I'd also tell the person I've started seeing the truth - that I'm not ready or willing to commit to them, and maybe never will be...but I think its too early for those types of conversations anyway really.

Is honesty always the best policy?
Whenever I advise others about their problems, thats what I tell them, and I do believe that to be true.
But I think most importantly we have to be true to ourselves, and sometimes that means playing your cards close to your chest I suppose.

Know thyself...

Such a simple truth
But the one we ignore the most.

I know what I have to do...
And I can't let anyone, or anything stand in the way of my dreams.
Because they are all I have.

poke me, I'm squishy

I have a horrible feeling about this weekend, in the pit of my stomach, like impending doom...

even scarier day

Well, yesterday did not turn out as expected, but then I'm learning to go with the flow lately, as life seems to want to hurl me forward in to existence whether I like it or not.

So. Interview today, for a place at University...

I have had no sleep, but I am used to this, as it always seems to happen to me that way.

I'm scared,
really, really scared...
I've realised how much I want this to happen.

scary day

Today could start me on a big new road in my life, if it goes how I planned.
I'm scared.
I need someone to hold my hand.

we walk to hawaii

Walking2Hawaii ambushed me on iTunes
But I didn't cry
Not out of sadness at least
I know we are going to be okay
No matter what




Forever my friend, forever my love

we have storms, again

there you are
Ooohh you're so in love, just like juliette
Well guess what?
that's one thing that you can for-fucking-get

tears from the sky
in pools of pain
well baby tonite, i'm gonna go & dance in the rain

QOTSA

you are my blood, my serpent

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

sweet demoness

The hour of reckoning draws near
Judgment day is here and gone
Sweetly she draws me into her arms
A liquid embrace to chase the day away
Sedate numb, deaf and dumb
Stumbling into solitude
A clouded judgment day is fueled
Take me under your black wings
Mark my words and remember me
So sweetly she sucks away at my time
So sweetly she draws me nigh
Closer and closer towards never ending sleep
Spin the bottle
Kiss only the bottle
The dark mistress of many, beholden to none
Slips a ring of needles around your arm in an engagement
Eternal engagement
Never consummated
Never consummated
Take me under your black wings
Mark my words and remember me
Destroyer of senses
So take as needed for the pain
Another gray morning dawns across an ashen sky
My sweet demoness beckons me
Ever again and again and again and again
The dark mistress of many, beholden to none
My sweet demoness beckons me
Ever again and again and again and again and again
Take me under your black wings
Jacked up on the taste of self-destruction

bear witness to your fruit

I am broken
and alone
and it is because of you.
I can't stop the tears falling down my face
I don't want to breathe anymore
don't want to feel

There's no one here and I don't know what to do

It should be me holding you

The world is such a horrible place and I can't do it without you
I can't
you mean everything to me
you made me feel so alive that day on the beach, I loved you from that very moment, just looking at you was enough

But you chose her
not me

And without you I have nothing left inside

You have taken my heart
and stolen my dreams

eep!

My life is about to become very real and very scary,
if I follow through the choices I have made.

I have that weird feeling of impending doom mixed with hyper excitedness!
I can't remember the last time I felt that.
That's a good sign, right?
If you get the gut feelings and the butterflies that means it's working...
I hope.

A non-real life friend of mine totally pissed on my plans yesterday though and I hate myself for doing it, but I am starting to question things and backtrack in my head.
Now I know this is standard Miss .B behaviour brought about by being afraid and wanting to run in the opposite direction - and this is exactly the pattern of thinking I want to stop, as it is clearly getting me nowhere...so yeah as someone else pointed out, my non-friend probably has his own agenda.
And it wouldn't be the first time he's persuaded my thoughts against a certain situation.
People really are strange sometimes...

sigh

...and this was supposed to be a constructive entry
oh well (since when was I constructive?)

hmm.

I have much plotting to do.

craving

I've consumed 18 menthol cigarettes in 6 days
...and I'm a non-smoker.

The last 2 of them are sitting on my window ledge, they keep staring at me and I'm pretty sure they're whispering to each other.

I WILL NOT BE ADDICTED TO NICOTINE
I WILL NOT BE ADDICTED TO NICOTINE
I WILL NOT BE...

written in the stars

My 'Romance Horoscope' this week:

Maturity is your strong point, but it might not be much in evidence this weekend. Your emotions can shift quickly and you're likely to act impulsively, surprising yourself and others with your behavior. Just let it happen, instead of trying too hard to control yourself now.

Oh how true

Note: I don't actually prescribe to these things, they arrive in my junkmail, and so may or may not be scientifically accurate depictions...they may also be the evil workings of a little fat man who spends far too much time alone, in front of his computer.

beautiful friend

You are my shelter
my sustenance
my everything

word of the week

Tumultuous

...Just when I thought my life couldn't really get much more upheaved, I've gone and broken/sprained my toe.
It's kinda puffy and purple lookin'...

I think I'm going crazy.

No
Really...

...

I can still smell you on my skin.
Feel your warmth.

hurt

i hurt myself todayto see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chairfull of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way